The Darkness: Nine Inch Nails, August 2025

I almost didn't go to this NIN show.

I am not a fan of big venues. It feels strangely removed, the listeners from the music and the artists. I like going to smaller venues to see bands that are just starting out. I like the excitement, intensity, and vulnerability in them that hasn't yet been too complicated by the business. I like being close. I am used to close music, having grown up in a family of musicians. I'm used to right in front of me, music, people I know, music. I'm a huge fan of intimacy.

Additionally, I almost always go to music shows alone. It's easier to hide away toward the side of the stage and have my solitary experience. Lately, I have been trying to promote Beyond 27, so I have tried to be more visible. However, my preference, by far, is to be close enough to the crowd to feel it and close enough to the stage to experience it, but away from the center of things. I sort of thrive in sideline observation. I think I have been an observer most of my life. It's important to me to understand a situation and people before I make any moves. When I am sitting back and alone in an experience, some of the most magical things have happened. There is a freedom in being alone, but not closed off

If I’m honest, this is part of why I became a therapist. Active listening, observation, emotional intelligence, comprehension, empathy, and analysis have always been strengths for me. This career has been profound and has fundamentally changed me. It has nearly taken me out, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I struggle even to describe the incredible impact this work has had on me personally and creatively. As I sit here now, I see that a big part of what I love is the observation. I learn from everyone who sits in front of me. What people tell me is one thing, what I learn from observing them is another. As a kid, I used to watch my peers, watch the adults, listen intently, and learn. I learned what trust is about, I learned how little self-awareness so many people have, and I learned how much we are still like animals.

I was exposed to rich culture in my formative years. There was a lot to observe, lots of big art, lots of big brains, and lots of big personalities, who may or may not have been disordered . By the time I was 18, there wasn't much emotional territory I hadn't traveled either within myself or with others. Much of this emotional territory was intense. I often say, “I like to swim in the deep end of the pool“, and the deep end is often dark.

For those of you who are esoteric, I'm a very true Scorpio. For those of you who are not, we can look at the zodiac as a series of personality archetypes. I have related deeply to my sun sign since I learned what it was. Ruled by Mars (war) and Pluto (death/transformation), the dealings of Scorpio in the underworld, the taboo, the darkness, and shadows have never deterred me. I think I get bored without enough intensity in my life. If I don’t have productive avenues for intensity, I will make them, and this doesn’t always turn out well.

Even with this, I can be funny, cheerful, optimistic, and playful. Up until my 40s (hello Saturn and Uranus Opposition, not a fan), things have generally gone well for me. Even during my 40’s, I have been incredibly lucky and supported through my grief and challenges.

This is in part due to beauty privilege, which we don't talk about enough. The fact that my genetic bone structure, skin tone, eye, and hair color align with the popular opinion of beauty, in the time and place in which I am living, has afforded me a lot. It affords all the "pretty people" a lot. This could be an essay of its own. Before we all get worked up, yes, it can be a “privilege and a curse”. Yes, attractiveness comes with its own set of problems. But here’s the thing: when someone walks into a room and is greeted with mostly interest and openness, that is an enormous privilege. There is a phenomenon in childhood development, when the caregiving system is “delighted” at the sight of the child, that is hugely beneficial, if not critical, for healthy self-esteem. Pretty kids experience more people delighting in them. I had dinner with a friend of mine who works in mental health support in the music industry a while ago. We both have experienced and benefited from this privilege, and we talked about how beauty privilege isn’t usually referenced in conversations about privilege, which is surprising. One thing my career has given me is an acute awareness of my privilege, my internal biases, and my prejudices, which there are many. The gift is that I can take accountability for these injustices, with humility and without feeling bad about myself. The bottom line is I have gotten opportunities because people generally like looking at me. In response, I have worked hard to earn the opportunities I have been given. I have put importance on developing myself as a person. I have worked to do some good in the world and help others. But, the fact remains, people are usually happy to see me, and that is not the case for everyone through no fault of their own, and this is a critically important topic.

Ok, coming back to the darkness and Nine Inch Nails. I have pondered the existence and nature of evil again and again. I have actively sought out knowledge on some of the more egregious atrocities in history. I’ve read multiple firsthand accounts of the Jewish holocaust, I have read seriously about demonology, and watch documentaries on these things whenever I can. I have a fascination with the Catholic Church despite not wanting to follow it. It's no mystery why I specialized in traumatic stress in my career. I can exist in memories and emotional places that many people would find overwhelming. My comfort and ease in this darkness gives my clients confidence that I can handle whatever they need to bring to the table. My mother used to tell us kids to be "mudfish". She would say, "They live in the mud, but it never sticks to them." This felt right for me, and I have proudly spent time in mud of all kinds. This has given me varied and interesting opportunities for observation. Whether or not it “sticks” to me is another philosophical question.

I have also been spiritually connected my whole life. As a little kid, I used to have terrifying realizations that I was a human being if I looked at myself too long in the mirror. I'd look at my hands and face and think, "Wait, I'm in this body? How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to do?" The shock grew bigger and bigger, with ever-growing awe, until it reached a crescendo, leaving me thinking I could never leave the bathroom because I didn’t know how to exist with the knowledge that being human is not our only state. Then it would start to dissipate, and I would slowly remember who I was and how to be in the world as a person named Lana. What I came to realize about all of this is that some of us are naturally a part of the shadow world alongside spirituality and light, so much so that it's not a big deal. I never felt like I had to dress in black or have seances. I just live it. Some of it in spiritual realizations and some of it in the underworld. In another post, I will talk about my experiences with psychedelics and the incredible darkness they have revealed.

Back to music, along with the heaviness of the grunge bands in the '90s, I liked some of the industrial and electronic scene: Massive Attack, Radiohead's KID A and after, the Crystal Method, some Marilyn Manson, and definitely NIN. There was just something about their sound that hit all the right places. Something about the way Trent could scream and whisper, and we all believed him. We believed every word, every feeling, every sound, every song. He was so authentic. He wasn't trying too hard; it never felt forced. He was mysterious and charismatic. He wasn't too good-looking for the part. He was wild and fragile and powerful and sexy. As it turns out, he still is.

It was hard for me to decide not to go to his show, but I knew it would be a tease, and I hate being teased. I didn't want to watch them basically on a screen from some far away seats. Then, an opportunity arose to be on the floor, and I took it. It was at the Ball Arena in Denver, and if I got there early enough, I could find a space by the stage to slip into and have my solitary experience. As I was driving down from the mountains, my friend messaged me, “Be careful! I've been to NIN, and the pits are tough." I had to laugh, and I asked her when she went. The reply was like, fifteen years ago. I reminded her that we are all in our 40s and 50s now, so I doubt it'll be the same vibe. 😁

That was mostly true.

One of the things I have started to love about this music journey is observing the fanbase’s energy, styles, ages, and uniqueness. The NIN crowd was a mix of young, sort of goth late teens, early 20s, and the bitter Gen Xers who could be their parents, with some millennials floating around. I was there early, so most of the arena was still empty, which I also like. There is something interesting about actually seeing the venue space before it fills up and the lights dim. I noticed a mysterious second stage in the middle of the floor, entirely covered in curtains.

My partner in crime was texting me that, in previous shows, the band would switch stages mid-set. I was by the big stage, which is where I stayed, and it did not disappoint. The opener was an EDM artist who was remixing mostly NIN songs, which I thought was brilliant. After the arena was mostly filled and the lights went down, the usual roar of screams started. I could hear the opening artist’s first tracks floating over the crowd from another stage on the other side of the floor.

After he finished, and the lights went down again, the roar of the crowd was defining and Nine Inch Nails started on that mid-stage. The photograph from the top of this post, and the one where I figure out what I'm talking about here, is on that mid-stage. For a second, I thought they might stay there, and I would be stuck further away, but the intelligence I received was correct. After they played a few songs, one of the musicians started a solo for us to focus on, and somehow the other band members were spirited to the large stage in the front.

Listen, I'm no bloodhound, but I knew this would happen, so I was really watching, and I saw nothing. My best guess is that there was an underground tunnel, you know, like the conspiracy theories about the bunkers under Denver Int'l Airport, with the weird-ass gargoyles that are REALLY THERE, in baggage claim. Colorado can be a weird place, and this is coming from someone born and raised in Florida, one of the weirdest places on planet earth, apart maybe from Australia.

Anyway, the show continued from the main stage and was so fun, with so much energy. Trent gives it. The band gives it. It doesn't sound or feel like a bunch of middle-agers having a midlife crisis. That band is everything they were when we were kids and everything they are now. I appreciate bands that stick around because we get to watch them mature in their sound, production, and arrangements, compared to the earlier years. Nine Inch Nails has been solid all the way through in my opinion. I read somewhere that David Bowie didn’t take NIN seriously until Downward Spiral, but I have to say I am a huge fan of Pretty Hate Machine.  

Gen X as a whole has lasted heroically in the music scene. I am a cusper (1980 on the dot), so I have feet in both the Gen X and Millennial experiences. I recently read an article that said Gen X is keeping the underground dance scene alive for the kids. They are still so embedded in the community and the connections that they are throwing private underground parties as venues go under from the impossible strain on the industry. The 40 and 50-year-olds are creating music spaces that the younger generations want to be in. I don't know for sure, but this could be a first. The idea that a Gen Z or Alpha kid would scream to their parents to turn the music down rather than the other way around. Gen X’s cockroach-like persistence in rebellion and toughness can be traced to their lived experiences. They survived disinterested boomer parents; the golden age of serial killers; the rise of kidnapping; faces of missing kids going on milk cartons for us all to see every day, as kids; the crash courses on how to best avoid being kidnapped and mutilated on the walk home from school; the fingerprinting at schools so just in case you ARE kidnapped and mutilated, they might be able to identify your body; the AIDS epidemic, and it being the “fault of the gays”; the internet becoming a thing; space travel and then watching the Challenger explode on live TV; food truly becoming poison and the horrors of factory farming coming to the public eye for the first time; CRACK, also the beginnings of "heroin chic"; the rise of divorce; the first "latch-key kids"; the "war on drugs" and that being a total scam to oppress black and brown communities; the generation with the highest record of sexual molestation in childhood; Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, and the first Bush; recessions and the skyrocket of college tuition and also student debt; then being called "boomerang kids" because we had to move home to pay back staggering debt; the golden age of cable TV (MTV!); global warming coming out and promising we are all going to die (this was really a treat for millennials) and now that it’s objectively happening we are being gaslit because accepting reality is too much (“Oh my gosh, the weather is just so crazy lately”); the death of the middle class; the true stall of wage growth, AND staying f**king cool. 😎

The show was loud and hard, and I couldn't believe Trent Reznor is a middle-aged dad. People may or may not like his music, but he's truly a musical genius and innovator. I didn't see him when NIN first started out, but I remember reading about it and hearing from friends that the risks he took at the time were precarious at best. Electronic music hadn't been established; mechanical glitches were common, their sound wasn't quite rock, and wasn't quite industrial, thus they were rejected by both. It had a uniqueness that turned many people off in the early days. Their risks paid off. They gave a voice and a story that many young people could relate to. NIN was “emo” without the annoying cadence. I don't know, but it seems NIN is still making excellent, relevant music. Some artists fade, some can reinvent themselves; Nine Inch Nails doesn't have to. They don't have to remake themselves because they still are. That’s something.

It was late when the show ended, the night was dark and warm when I walked out of the arena, and it was wonderful. Again, the city sights, sounds, and smells are both novel and familiar at the same time. I sat for a while outside the building, as I usually do, to let it all marinate. I stayed in Denver this time, so I went back to the hotel and looked at myself in the mirror. I don't forget I am a human anymore. I don't remember exactly when this stopped, but it makes me sad in a way. I've drifted far enough away from whatever source we came from that only the tiniest part of me still remembers being surprised to be in a body.

When I looked at myself, I saw the wisdom on my face instead. Beauty privilege fades, and that can be terrifying. Beauty is a worth that is almost guaranteed to diminish over time. Different from wealth privilege that could potentially grow over time. That’s a heavy thing to experience. I am grateful for the time and attention I have paid to developing myself as a person and building confidence. I found my 40s to be testing this confidence, but I still think that I get it. I get the things. I think I get being a human.

As it turns out, it's dark, and it’s wild.

L